Time does not change us. It just unfolds us. ~ Max Frisch

quickie

2006-07-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

this is a speedy little post, as i'm in alley cat with micah for the moment. been a while again, always is. since there's no net access where i live or where i will be living for a while, it's likely to get even more sporadic. i'm moving to the springs. liquidating first, then moving. we'll see how it all goes. i'll be crashing with cazi for a while and then looking for a place of my own after i aquire a job. then rebuilding. it'll be a slow, painful process, but we'll see how that works. honestly, i'm excited and scared shitless at the same time. i don't know what it's going to be like. oh well.

ello

2006-07-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

once again it's been about a month... and it's crazy how much things change but stay the same. weekends from hell just happen, and this is one. my car took a shitter in denver. i crossed four lanes of I-25 traffic on foot in a downpour on a busy sat morn. got the car running and made it to the springs only to have the boy who said he'd look at it flake out on me. now i'm just trying to back away so that i don't get hurt, or hurt the girl. fuck god damn it. who knows, if i get lucky we'll get the car to make it home and i'll just be there again with all the reasons to leave that i've had before. who knows if 21 will even happen. a month and a half is a long time to wait.... but for now, the shower calls. ciao.

hmmm

2006-06-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

it looks like other people leave notes on here less often than i write even. not certain there's even much of a point in writing if no one ever even reads it. but that's ok i guess. things are really insane at this point, and my internet access is sporadic at best. if only i could actually document what has been happening in my world... but that would take much more energy and time than i have... for know, know that i'm ok, working on the whole gf bit, and dealing with complications in every aspect of my life. i'm not sure how it all will work out, but for now it works. anyways, drop me a line if i haven't heard from you in a while.. i miss all the people who've been lost lately.

and it is...

2006-05-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

it's been ages i know. but so much has happened. was homeles, got a job, got an apartment, got rid of a girlfriend, and now have a gay husband. and that's the short story... here comes the long version. i work at a call center, and that's all cool. cept for the boss looking down my shirt thing. but it's all good. i love the peopel i work with. even if the cool ones are straight. and the brittinie thing is over. i know it was a bad decision, and sometime i'll have the time and energy to reflect on all that here. but for now it will sufice to say it's over, she's a cheating tweaker, and not in my life in any way. i'm happy. i also have a killer little apartment. well, it's actually pretty big. i love it. and not i have a gay man to match. it's absolutely fantastic. we get our furniture tomorrow nite. hmm... there's so much to tell, but it's really hard to get it all out. specially in the place i'm at now. alleycat during finals week is not the quietest place. but i will try to get in here more, and hopefully provide a more detailed recap at some point. but it honestly boils down to one thing. for the first time in my life i am fully happy. single and happy. just happy. you can't beat that.

again

2006-03-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

she's gone again. i don't know where she went, when she'll be back, or even if she'll be back. things are spiralling downward a little too quickly for me to know what to do. she says "i love you" and disappears for days. i saw her for about an hour today and that is all i have seen her in over 3 days. plus, the only reason i saw her is because a friend of hers was gonna give her a ride, but backed out. that's all i am, the chaufeur. no, people treat their chaufeurs better. i'm the taxi service. it really bites. i am counting away the days until i can move. it's all a question of money. we'll have to see what happens, but this is not working right now. i just hate to mess with the way things are going right now. nothing really feels right except for my job. and at least that is going very very well. i don't know what else there is right now... other than that i quit the paper route thing. there were problem with the way they treat their employers. oh well. g'nite for now.

honesty

2006-03-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

i've decided to be honest with myself. i am unhappy with this relationship. there is no spark, she lies to me, and i'm not comfortable being around the drugs she is so ok with. we are so different and in different places in our lives. she wants completely different things from what i do. where i am ready to move out of her parents' house and into a nice apartment where i can think about finishing my college degree and settling into life. but she just wants to work a job she hates so she has money to go out and party. i want to spend my evenings cooking a nutricious meal and relaxing after a long day at work. but she'd rather eat mickeyd's and drink until she passes out. things just don't feel right, and i have to accept that. but since i just got a new job and have credit that's not so hot, i have to stick this out until i have a roommate i trust and can move in with. it is looking like that will happen the first bit of may but until then i am in a relationship that doesn't feel right. even if i don't get that roommate (which is an amazing guy) by may i should have enough money saved up to get my own place. things just are kinda weird right now. i feel so unbalanced right now. hopefully things will get better soon.

better

2006-03-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

things are a lot better now. a super lot. brittinie and i talked through a lot of shit the other nite. i needed to realize that she was really bummed about her brother (going to prison for 6yrs it looks like) and needed to see old friends who reminded her of the good times they'd had, and especially needed to see someone she hadn't for 3yrs who had moved away. and she needed to realize that i don't have friends here yet and i get really lonely when i only see her parents and sister for days on end. but we've already started to find ways to fix both sets of issues. while she still goes alone to see friends at times (cause alone time is good too), once in a while i go too. that way i can meet people here, and don't feel so disconected. plus i'm spending more time online talking to people when she's not here and that way i keep those ties in place. on a completely happy note, I GOT A JOB!!! needless to say, i am very excited about this. it means being more self-sufficient as well as having something to do with my days other than sit and think (cause that's bad). I'm working for a call center as a quality assurance agent. i get to listen to sales and customer service calls and critique the process. so i'll be listenting and typing most all day every day. the one thing i'm gonna have to remember most is to capitalize, since i never type with capitals. i just let word fill them in if needed... but oh well. anyways, i make decent money and get full benefits after 90days, so it's a very positive situation. i think a lot of the reason i was overreacting to everything before is that i have been so stressed not feeling like i'm getting anything done. so in time, who knows. things with my girlfriends may work out perfectly, with us moving into a place maybe with one of the very best gay boys in the entire world. but i also might strike out on my own for a bit. or there's always the possibility of going back to school... as i have a full tuition scholarship for 10 semesters if i study teaching somewhere in wyoming... but who knows. for now, i look forward to starting training for my job, and enjoying the happy feeling. (but my blog's gonna stay the same. i'm rather fond of it.)

facelift

2006-03-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

in case you didn't notice, this blog needed a change. it no longer fit my general mood. i hope you like the new layout. and thanx to mandy for the reminder that change is good and needed once in a while. by the way, if i left you out of the links, let me know.

looking

2006-03-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to do. i am starting to feel like i need to remove myself from my current relatioship, at least for a little while. right now i feel like a means of transportation and not a whole lot else. my girlfriend has been avoiding being around me for days now. that is unless she needs a ride somewhere. i feel really close to having a job, because i got a hit on my resume as well as an interview tomorrow. that's something that makes me feel so good. i need a job, and i need an apartment of my own. it's going to be hard to find one i can afford, but i really think i need a place of my own. i want this relationship to work, but it feels like we're hanging on without much reason. i hate that i feel like this might need to end, but i can't end it because i have no money, and nowhere to live. but i feel things colapsing around me right now, and i'm scared. i have nowhere to go if this ends. nowhere. and i'm afraid too. because lately i've been having unhealthy thoughts. i find myself making plans, writing letters, and preparing to not be around anymore. i'm scaring myself. but at the same time i don't feel like there's anyone i can tell. every one of my friends is so caught up in their own lives, with midterms, job hunts, and other friends i'm not allowed to meet. i don't know who to turn to at this point. so many people mean so much to me, but i don't think i mean much to them. so i'm sitting here, ready to leave this whole mess, afraid of what will happen if i stay, and worried about the possible effects on people if i leave. it's a no win situation that hurts more than i could ever express in words.

ello

2006-03-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

once again i've been a bad blogger-person. it's been a while since i've posted anything here, and honestly, i really don't have much of an excuse. unless you understand what happens when life just grabs you up and takes you along for the ride. i've been looking for a job still, with no luck. but at least i have an interview this friday. but at least things have worked out in the girlfriend situation. we worked through shit, and it comes down to this. we have our own lives but both of us have reasons to worry about the other when we go off alone. she understands that i don't really trust most of her friends, and after all the shit they've done lately, she doesn't much trust some of them either. it's a whole crazy bit. i love her dearly, and i'm really glad we've gotten shit to work out. now we're still looking for a place to live. but until i get a job, looks like that won't be happening. but for now things are working out fine. i am happy, even if i'm not that financially secure or terribly comfortable in my living arrangement. it's all good for the time being. but yeah, i guess that's about it. not a lot happening here, but i'll keep you all posted. and for once, leave a comment if you read this!

uncertainty

2006-02-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

life is a big ball of uncertainty right now. i'm scared. very scared. here's how it goes. i have no job, i have no health insurance, i have no car insurance, i live with my girlfriend's parents far far away from my family and friends. understandably, i've been a little worried as of late. there's been a lot on my mind and i break into tears rather quickly. add to all this uncertainty rough spots in my relationship. i know there are some of you out there saying "i told you so" or you will here directly. but fuck, all relationships have rough spots. this is just hard because if things go sour, i not only loose the girl i love, but my home. the roughness is boiling down to one thing. i don't know how to trust her friends. she comes from a group that now not only smokes weed, but a load of them are shooting up meth too. i worry like crazy when she's in the old house, hanging out with those friends, being around all that shit. i trust her not to do anything stupid, i know her better than to think she'd throw away her life. but i don't trust the other people around her not to get her into a situation that could be very unsafe. i won't set foot int that house. i don't know those friends very well, and i don't fit into that crowd. that's not the kind of person i am. so she goes to visit alone. that's not a problem with me at all. she is an adult, and i'm not her keeper. she has the right to do anything she wants to do. i just worry about her. especially when she leaves at 5am after working the night shift, tellign me she'll be back in about an hour, and never comes home. i wake up at 9am she's still gone. i text her to see where she's at, find out she fell asleep there, ok. she says she'll be home soon. noon rolls around, and she's finally home, but won't speak to me. and she writes in a letter to her brother that i'm too controlling, and she doesn't know what's going to happen with us. i'm scared shitless. i try to give her space by leaving to just drive for an hour or so, and she's upset with me. goes back to that house. i tell her how i feel, and she does the same. says she's leaving that house and will be here soon. that was nearly three hours ago. i don't know what to do. i'm scared, i'm hurt, and i'm lost. why can't i be left happy?

time

2006-02-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

it's been a bit since i've had a chance to post. lets just say it's been a little hectic with moving, searching for a job, and all that. i am really starting to feel at home in fort collins and i'm very very happy with my girfriend. it's a little weird where we're living right now (upstairs at her parents' place), but things are settling into place. i miss my friends back in laramie so much sometimes. but at the same time, there was so much there that i just needed to escape from. too much drama with too many people, and no matter what i did, it always came back to haunt me. so i'm starting fresh here. mind you, some of that drama filters back into my life at times, as people are always coming down this way from wyoming, but now i can just leave it all behind, come home, curl up with brittinie, and leave it behind. the drama can't haunt my life the way it used to. honestly, i am so unbelievbly happy here that even if someone tried to get me down they'd prolly have a bit of a hard time. on the relationship end of things, it really couldn't be better. while we have our spats once in a while, every couple does. issues are worked through with comunication and truth rather than the hidden agendas and lies i'm used to getting from girls. honesty is so fantastic. the only thing that seems to be dragging us a bit right now is where we live, but for now it will have to do. at least we are lucky enough to have her parents care so much, letting us live here free until we save up the cash to get our own place. a couple of my old friends say that this is too fast, and that there's too much commitment without a past. to that all i can say is that for once, this feels right. we love each other and that's what counts. we've had a history and an on-again-off-again thing for over a year and weren't happy with the other people we saw inbetween, so i don't see what's the problem. i have one friend in particular who seems especially disturbed by the whole thing. things have been weird between us since we nearly ended up dating, and even more weird since i got back with brittinie. i really hate the weirdness, because there was a very strong friendship there. she's said she doesn't want to work it out, and i've told her that i want to work through this. just recently, she has told me why she doesn't think we should talk it through. because she doesn't think i'll like what she has to say. and that may very well be the truth. while i may not agree with what she says, and while i feel like there's a distinct likelihood that she will put me in tears, i still want to know why she has placed this distance between us. hopefully we'll make it through this and get back to friends. i know things will never be the same as theywere before, but i see no reason to just drop a friendship without even trying to work shit out. but we'll just have to see what happens. anyways, i should prolly go get ready to go out to the club. i know that a bit of the laramie drama is going to enter my life tonite, but you know what? i want to go out and have a good time, and nothing that a certain redhead says or does is going to ruin that for me. nothing.

and it continues

2006-02-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

i'm so worried right now. it's been eating at me for hours. last nite my gf was here in town with me. we went over to a friend of mine's house to hang out. liquor ended up being involved as usual, and that's where the problem lies. my gf is a bit of a lightweight. one of my friends was in charge of mixing drinks and she made the decision not to make any of the gf's drinks with liquor after a certain point. if this would never have been shared with my gf, things would have been fine. however, the other friend actually decided to tell my gf. she was relatively fine at first, but when it hit her exactly what had happened (in the car on the way home) she got really really upset. she hasn't spoken to me in 12 hrs, and last nite, i slept on my floor rather than up in the bed with her. she just didn't want me around her. pretty much, i cried myself to sleep and was very very cold. this morning, i have been working at the desk, so i haven't even had the opportunity to interact with her since she was asleep still when i left this morn. i'm afraid that this is going to bring down our relationship. i just wish she understood that what happened was in no way my idea, and i didn't know it was happeneing until she did. i feel really bad that she feels like she does. i would be pissed and hurt were i put in this situation as well. but she's not listening when i try to tell her this. and she won't tell me what's going through her head. i don't know what to do. not only does this threaten a really good relationship, but other aspects of my life. she's the girl i was going to move in with when i leave school. i don't know what i'll do if that doesn't happen. i'll be homeless and without a job too. i'm so fucking scared right now. all i really want to do is break down and cry. but alas, i'm at the front desk, i have to be peppy, cheerful, and a good example of a balanced and fullfilled life. this bites. at least in about 15 min i will be able to go upstairs and see how things play out. i just hope and pray for the best. because i really really do care about brittinie a lot. a real big lot.

update: so i'm back in my room... and she's still asleep... i just don't know how to handle this....

fear

2006-01-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

i am scared shitless. by a couple things. and there really isn't anything i can do about it except take a deep breath and try to make it through. frist of all, i'm loosing my scholarship. second, i'm prolly loosing the ra job too. all because of a strange chain of events and the difference between of one little credit hour. but alas, that's how life goes. i will find out on monday if there is any way imaginable that i will be able to pull out a student loan and be able to keep going to school. if that turns out to be possible, i will be begging and pleading to keep my job through the end of the semester. if i can't get the money though, there isn't any way i could ever possibly stay in school. it bites. but at the same time, this may be a blessing. lately i have started to hate laramie. i feel like i need a job where i actually accomplish something. i need to have time to paint, to create, to think. i feel so trapped in the university surrounding. while it is a comfortable place where things are taken care of, and life is all in order, it feels so restrictive. however, i don't want to drop out of school. it might be ok if i can get the money, but do loose the job, because then i would be living somewhere off campus. in the end, it is looking most likely that within the next coupdl weeks i will be selling most all my possesions, moving (likely to fort collins), and finding a job out there in the real world. this scares me. the fact that you are so much less likely to finish school after dropping out, and the fact that i will have to be an adult in the real world all by myself is scary. i want to teach. i want to paint. i just wish i weren't so scared of all this. but like my dad says, this too shall pass. on a different note, i now have a girlfriend. she was an ex of mine, but i took her back. i know, i know, it may not have been my best idea. but she really does seem to have changed. and i am so happy with her, just like i was before. this is all so fantastic, that i worry something will just snap. it's too good to be true. nothing good in my life ever seems to last for long, so i'm afraid my track record will just be adding another mark on the list of "happy" relationships ending terribly. i'm not sure what will happen with all of these things, but i know i'm afraid, so very afraid. from here on, all i can do is hope and pray that it all works out for the best. if not in a way i can see now, then bettering my future.

outlet

2006-01-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

i don't care what other people think about this place. this is the only place where i can actually say what i really feel about things. if my friends happen to stumble across this blog, and actually for once take what i say to heart, i don't care if they get offended. this is my outlet, and i'm taking it back. this place is not meant to be a "guilt trip" for amyone. it's just a place to let out my feelings in a much more explicitly verbal kind of way. i know i don't have the balls to blatantly say a lot of this shit aloud. but that's me. i'm working on it, and if you don't like it so what. this is who i am, if it bothers you, leave me alone.

needless to say, i have the urge to vent a bit tonite. the evening started so well, with such wonderful promises and plans set out. but it turns out that a lot of people i know have two completely different sides. it hurts to find out that when you thought you were part of something special with someone that it apperantly meant nothing and that person they refer to as "this one girl they took home one time" is actually the one you were going after. it sucks worse when all those wonderful promises are broken into pieces around you, taking with them the happy feeling about the night. at this point, all i really want to do is cry. not necesarily because i'm sad, but rather frustrated, dissapointed, and honestly hurt. i hate when people expect me to play the mistress role. or the friends with benefits spot. or the casual fuck. i may say it's ok, because i do want to be close to someone. even feeling stronger than i know they do, knowing that there is anything there is a huge reassurance that life may not actually perpetually bite. but it's coming around to haunt me in the worst way possible. i expect too much of people. i expect them to have the balls to show feeling. oh wait, are people really allowed to do that? i just don't understand why people have to be so completely different from moment to moment. it's bullshit. i hurt a lot more than i really thought possible. and to make it worse it doesn't matter. not to a single person i thought was my friend. the one person who actually does care has so much shit in his own life, that we just kinda sit and feel like shit together. those others who we trusted to be there for us when we needed the reassurance that this life was worth sticking around for are no longer here. but that should be no suprise, as 20-20 hindsight shows that they never really were to begin with. it just hurts. and leaves me wanting an escape. i can't drown this pain, i won't smoke it out, so what does that leave? i just want happiness. an outlet from this pain, a reason that this matters. frankly, i don't see one, and that bites.

goodbye

2006-01-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

i'm going to be leaving my blog. not necessarily forever, but for now. there's a lot going on, but i have been requested to pull away from quite a few things, this being one, by someone i really care about. out of respect for her, i'll be leaving. goodbye.

crash and burn

2006-01-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

i knew something was wrong when i got a call on new years to be told she kissed somebody else. yeah, that was pretty much the first thing she said. and when she got back into town, that super close friendship that had potential to be something more was suddenly a confusing distance. the passionate kiss turned into a seemingly forced peck. now she comes to tell me she's confused. not just about this, but about everything. and she didn't want to create a situation where she would lead me on. i guess she didn't realize she already had. and when i nearly broke into tears as she left she said she didn't want this to do the same thing to me it did the last time she left us as friends and we'll see where it goes. but the situation is there again. it is almost the exact same story. she doesn't want to lead me on. she doesn't know what she wants. nothing is different this time than it was the last time. the only thing that is vaguely different is that she built up my hope even more. things just felt right. but apperantly i'm not aloud to have that happy, things feel right, sort of life. i guess i will fall back to one of the four others who are chasing me. while one in particular is someone i would likely have started dating weeks ago had i not been caught up with this other girl... but i'm not certain i would even feel right seeing her now. she isn't what i really want, just a substitute of sorts. but i won't be getting what i want, so i had better get over it and just forget about everything else. there i go, another crash and burn.

new year

2005-12-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

it's new year's eve, and here i sit, alone at my computer. it's a little tragic, but that's how things have fallen this year. the one person i want to spend this evening with is in colorado, surrounded by the people who she cares about, some of her closest friends. (i've met these girls and they are great.) i'm really happy for her and for the people that get to spend the evening with her. i really hope she's having a great time right now. at the same time, i wish i could be there, or her here. oh well i guess. there is absolutely nothing i can do about the situation. all i can do is send one hell of a hopelessly romantic text message at midnight. while i want to call her, and talk to her this evening, i don't want to interupt her festivities. so i will keep to myself for now. i do have the option of a party... and it's even close enough to campus for me to go. as long as i'm good and don't drink. there's a slight problem with that idea though. i really don't know any of the people that are going to be there very well. party invites from casual aquaintances kinda scare me. i'm worried that bad things could happen at this party... that i could do something stupid. especially knowing that one of the girls there would like to do a variety of very dirty things with me. i just don't think i would be comfortable. not knowing the people there, other than that i am a possible target of sexual frustration. in my mind it seems to boil down to this. i'm not going to go because i won't be comfortable in the setting. i'm tired, sad, and seriously missing the one person i care about as more than friends right now. well, i am babbling, and buried in my thoughts so i will stop with this blog. maybe i can pop in a movie and maybe make the evening not suck as much. hot shower, popcorn, and chick flick, here i come.

empty

2005-12-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

laramie is tremendously empty right now. with the techers and the uni kids all on break, there are very few people in laramie. on top of that, the people i really care about are all far from here. denver, sheridan, worland, everywhere but here. it's sad. i sat through christmas all alone, well almost. a friend and i went to lunch at shari's on christmas day, but somehow it just didn't feel right. i understand that i will be seperated by a lot of my friends over christmas break due to the fact that all of our hometowns are scattered, but it hurt a lot more than i expected to be away from my family. the need to see my stepfather and kid sister has gotten a lot stronger over the last few days. and i miss my friends so much. i get to talk to most of them on the phone, but it's just not the same. a friendly smile, a hug, having someone else to curl up with, all those things i miss. i am looking forward to this thursday so much. going to the club with my friends, and seeing the girl i care about. going from seeing someone every day to not seeing them for what seems like forever is a hard adjustment. here i go again, babbling again. but that's how i feel.

here it comes

2005-12-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

well, the holidays are officially on the way. with christmas only a couple days away, i am starting to miss my family. it feels so weird to not be going home this year. we'll see what will be coming in the mail these next few days. on a completely different note, that girl i have been talking about now has access to this blog. to tell the honest truth i'm kinda worried about it. this is the one place where i can spill all of my feelings without any editing. see, i'm not terribly good at saying aloud what i'm thinking or feeling, so a lot of what is in here is going to be something i haven't been able to say aloud. i'm not so worried that she will be finding these things out, but rather that i will get lazy and maybe not say things aloud. i have to be certain that i watch myself and say things aloud as well as in here. who knows how things will work out. in the end, all i can do is hope for the best and try to be open and honest about most everything i'm feeling.

winter wonderland

2005-12-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

it's been snowing like crazy here, and cold too. most everyone has left for christmas break, and there are very few people left on campus. i miss the people that have left. it feels so empty and alone here. i've gotten addicted to myspace.com lately, partly to take up some of the time i have lying around. i should really be doing the homework i have left over from this last semester... i missed so much class it's uncanny. at least i got extensions on all of it. i just need to get on top of the work. but right now i can't seem to concentrate. i am just really missing someone right now. didn't think i would miss her this much, but i do. maybe she feels the same way, maybe not, but i know one thing, i miss her terribly.

once more

2005-12-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

again i find myself posting late at night, with too much in my head to sleep. things have been crazy still. i'm not certain how to get all of this level in my head. there is so much i should be doing. i have papers to write, projects to finish (and start for that matter), programs to plan, and people to make contact with. there is so much to do, so little time to get it finished in, and so much other shit in my brain that is blocking any chance of productivity. who knows that will happen with all i have to get finished. i think it's my interactions with certain people that are clouding my brain. but those interactions are so important to me that there is no way i will be cutting that out of my life. at least not until winter break forces the people i care about out of town and to their respective hometowns. but for now, i am going to attempt to get shit done... we'll see how lucky i get.

exhaustion

2005-12-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

that's what i feel right about know. emotional and physical exhaustion. last night i had one of the most intense conversations of my life. we had decided to take things as the came, and they came to fast. she's not ready, rebound is a bad thing, and it has to stop. of course i was hurt, but after one hell fo a talk, things are better. i know where she is coming from, and she knows where i'm coming from. for once, this sort of situation has worked out for the better. one would think that now thigs are akward, and they were for about 15min, but now it's ok. nothing seems to have changed, excpet that there is a deeper understanding of each other. who knows what will happen in the future, but for now i guess this is alright with me. she says not to wait for her, and that i understand. however, i'm not certain how successful i will be in holding to that idea. honestly, even after all the recent events, when i should like her less, the opposite has happened, and our bond has deepened. but like i said, we'll see. until then, i need rest.

thunderstorm

2005-12-02T15:35:00.000-07:00

it's cliche, but it's true... when it rains it pours. at least i got in a couple really happy days. the thing that started it all was last nite. there were plans to go to the club, but circumstances changed. she wanted the honest reason i was hoping she'd come to the club. even though it scared the shit out of me, i finally said it. (mind you, it had to happen via text due to dinner plans, but i said it) i told her i liked her, and it's not been all that great. after 2.5 hrs, i finally got a response. 'i have to think about this. we'll talk later.' haven't heard a word since then. she holds all the cards right now. she has the power to make me very happy or very much the opposite. so, i've been stressing over that. then i get a phone call from someone i thought was my friend. long story short, she's been talking shit about me, and so have the girls i thought were my friends. even after i've pulled away from the group, there it is, rearing up to ruin my day. i really didn't need this. maybe i should find an umbrella.

who knew

2005-12-01T02:34:00.000-07:00

whoever you believe in, someone upstairs must have remembered to give me a little help lately. this help is welcomed with open arms. at the moment, i am one hell of a happy girl. the last couple days have been one big blur. everything seems to be falling into place. while some of my exs have wanted back into my life as of late and those in the circle become more hostile on a daily basis, with a little help, i have managed not to make the mistake of letting myself get hurt again. instead, someone i never expected made the transition from background to foreground. she just fits. nothing feels rushed. there is so much joy in just holding her as we watch a movie... or 6 in three nights. when fingers intertwine i'm lost in bliss. i never thought something so simple could make me so giddy. yes, i know i'm swooning, and frankly, i don't care. things move so slowly, not a thing is rushed. and it just feels right, and i am happy. as long as she's happy too, nothing more is needed.

past meets present

2005-11-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

there were some people i thought were gone from my immediate surroundings. however, i appear to be wrong in yet another aspect. one person in particular has resurfaced into my life in a hillariously 6th grade type display of absolutely no courage. the problem is she's an ex. and she no longer wants to play that role. she wants to be my gf again. for all sorts of reasons i'm not certain if i want that to happen. i don't know what my feelings are for her, or if there really are any feelings left for her. that and i have been getting other exs popping back up in my life. it's a little weird to say the least. and on top of that, i seem to have helped in the destruction of seven different relationships so far this semester. in the end, while i'm pulling away from the laramie circle, remnants of past circles are popping back up in my life. i don't honestly know what to make of it all, but we'll just have to hope it turns out all right. until i find out, i guess i'll just play it by ear.

here i am

2005-11-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

it's been a little over a week since i last posted. for that, i'm sorry. no excuses, that's just the way it is. sadly, since my last post things really haven't changed. at least not for the better. the feeling that this is all wrong has gotten stronger. but that's not it. it seems that the impression of me that has moved throughout the group is all wrong. people i thought were my friends have proved themselves as something completely different. i've become nothing more than a human phonebook and calendar of events as far as the others are concerned. above that, the one person i trully thought was there for me, and i for her doesn't even trust me. it's disheartening to tell the truth. i'm starting to wonder where my place is within the laramie circle, or within any circle for that matter, and i've come to the conclusion that if a place for me ever did exist, it's gone now. so, i'm pulling back, removing myself from these people. i only seem to cause pain and drama when i'm around, so why stay around? my happiness and inclusiveness isn't worth what has happened. i feel like i helped to bring together a strong group of friends, and they've formed a bond that functions perfectly without me, so i'm pulling out. sadly, none of them will probably ever know what i've been thinking, but at least the random person who stumbles across this might understand my thoughts, if not the circumstances. in time, who knows, my departure will probably only make them stronger and happier.

wrong

2005-11-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

this just doesn't feel right. lately things have been so weird, with most everyone. there is only one person who's really stayed with me, and today even she's so distant. it's getting frustrating. not only am i stuck working this weekend, but since i am, no one thinks i exist. it's really crappy to tell the honest truth. i really am around all day. and i can hang out in the evening. it just can't be way off campus. i don't understand why the girls are like this lately. i think it has to do with all the shit that has happened in the circle lately. i don't know what to do with it. things just feel wrong lately. maybe it's the meds, maybe it's the weather, but either way, things feel positively wrong.

pain

2005-11-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

lately there has been a lot of shit going down within the circle of lesbians i call my family. relationships ending, others from the past coming back to haunt, and relationships that may or may not evolve from friendship into more. it's a rough time for all those involved, but one girl has caught the majority of it. i'm so worried about her right now. when i talk to her, her voice is weak and small. when i see her, her face is still stained with tears. when she smiles, there is a pain there that is hard to bear. i care about this girl more than i probably should. but at the same time, she deserves to be happy. seeing her like this just hurts. i only hope she remembers what i've said. no matter what she needs or when she needs it, i'm here. she just has to call.

what's the point

2005-11-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to wonder why i even post anymore. honestly, no one ever reads this thing. it makes little sense i know to write just for my comments to float around in cyberspace for the casual passerby who happens to hit the "next blog" button. i get so frustrated and don't write for a while. but then again, a lot of the shit on here can't really be spoken aloud. so i guess, even though this blog is apperantly for only me to ever read, it does have a purpose. but still, why doesn't anyone feel the need to keep up with me like i feel the need to keep up with them? grr... it' just frustrating.

trax

2005-11-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

went out last nite to trax. never been there before now. never shoulda gone out on a thurs nite when i have and 8am shift fri. but here i am, working the desk and reflecting on the nite's experiences. first of all, i felt so white. and tall. it was a little odd to tell the honest truth. went down with jimmy (yes, only one less known gay boy) happened to find marq there too. i was excited to see that boy. but yeah, we did the whole dancing thing, completely sober too. the thing that gets me is in a place like denver, i wasn't conservative enought to really feel comfortable in the club. but oh well. i'm thinking it's something i will have to get used to over time. the whole tall white girl with blue hair... but for now, i'll leave it at this. all things considered, i had a relatively good time last nite. if nothing else, i met some new people. but still, it's an all things considered sort of deal.

guilt

2005-10-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

well, the title lets you know that there's unhappy news to come, but before i have to go there, a bit of sunshine. this fri nite was absolutely wonderful in so many ways. my day started at 5am with a drive to denver in a 15 passenger van followed by a day of practicum with a music teacher. i ended up teaching clarinet lessons all afternoon. it's a good thing that playing an instrument/reading music is like riding a bicycle and something you never really forget, cause it had honestly been 6 years since i last played. but i had great students, and really did enjoy myself. after a great dinner in ftc with my classmates, i finished up the drive home. exhausted but fufilled, i prepped for fri nit. not only did i get to go out with all the lesbians, but micheal randomly ended up in laramie for the nite too. so it was like i had most all my favorite people so close together. i love the family feeling. the club itself was a fun nite too. i however made a few decisions i should not have. and now i am paying for them with akward silences and guilt. for some reason something clicked fri nite. a friend, one i had never looked at in any way for anything more dropped into my lap as something else. how it happened is beyond me, but the connection was there. after 30 mins on the dance floor all over each other, resisting, we actually kissed. not made out, just one kiss. but it seems to have changed so much. i feel terrible about it. because that friend has a girlfriend already. she happens to be another one of my friends. and they both were so happy together. now things seem akward, and i am afraid i fucked something up. if i could blame it on liquor i would... but i can't. we have both been way more gone together than fri nite, and yet nothing has ever happened. it hadn't even crossed my mind. but fri there it was all the sudden. and even though i've been assured that the tensions in their relationship are not my doing, i worry about my two friends, and that i may have caused some of their pain. ugh, i feel terrible about it. but i am doing my best to focus on other things. so, here goes. on another not so happy note of fri nite, trina sprained her ankle really badly at the club. we honestly thought it was broken. but we did get her to the er here in town, and she's ok now. hobbling on crutches, but still her spunky self. we also got all dressed up last nite for halloween. all i can say is girls look hot in drag, and cleavage and a wig can make you unrecognizable even to close friends. add in a little liquor at a great apt, and there's bound to be some nice lounging and conversation. like i said before, i love the family that i have here in laramie. over time, i just hope we can all find our own little chunk of happiness, and heaven in another person.

rollercoaster

2005-10-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

life has definately been a ride as of lates. been through too much of a drop, so i picked back up my meds. and now i am one hell of a happy camper. but that's not the real point here. i love my "family" here at uni. the girls are so wonderful. and tonite we added another fabulous face to the mix. she's an outstanding girl. not only did she have the balls to stay late at the meeting without her friend that she came with, but she blended so perfectly into our group as well. absolutely amazing. and now there's a plan to take loads to static fri nite. not one car, not two, but at least three full cars guarenteed. i don't know how this could get much better. the beauty of family is undescribable...

well hello there

2005-10-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

i gotta say, maybe i shouldn't let my boundaries go. the assistance of beverage in this is also maybe not the best idea. i think it's time to back off the shit. at least no more back-to-back nites out. i'm actually looking forward to the fact that i'm required to stay home this next weekend. maybe i'll actually get something accomplished. or i could just sleep all weekend.... that sounds appealing as well. on a different note, drama has calmed in most direction, although i am torn up personally. i made a decision not to stay with someone fri nite. this isn't my norm at all. usually i'm notorious for moving quickly. but for some reason i just couldn't bring myself to. i really like this girl... and there seems to be a real connection, one that isn't there with other people. so, i don't really understand why i held back. as i think about it, my guess comes down to respect. for once, i like this girl enough not to let it be a fling sort of deal. i just hope she feels the same and understands where i'm coming from. it would be really bad to have my holding back be read as rejection. all i can do though is hope for the best... and that i think is the plan. but alas, homework calls, interupting my blogging... off i go. sooner or later i'll post again... hopefully sooner.

alone

2005-10-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

Being apart from others; solitary.
Being without anyone or anything else; only.

honestly, this is something i long for and hate at the same time. having someone live with you in a room that barely holds one can be so much of a pain. but being away from friends, restricted in your aility to talk to them, see them, anything hurts even more. an absence that goes completely unnoticed is a slap in the face. even more so when those people were ones you thought honestly cared. i feel terribly alone right now, yet i am being smothered by someone living in my space. it may be a contradiction of terms, but it's the truth and i hate it.

ow

2005-10-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

it's been a bit, i know. lucky me though, i got the stomach flu. then i cracked my tailbone. then got food poisoning. it's been hella fun. other than all that things are ok. today is the first day i get to go to class in almost two weeks. i'm going to be doing homework 24/7 for a while to get caught up, but it will have to do. on other topics, there is still a bit of girl drama, but that is to be expected. at least most of it is to be blamed on the medication i'm on. how just to make sure that it comes out ok in the end. i've even been going to the club regularly as of late. and not with gay men. rather, i have a circle of lesbians that i spend a lot of time with. this is neither good nor bad. honestly, i miss the boys. but at the same time, i like to be around my own kind. even if none of them are really single. but i guess it comes down to the fact that i love my friends, no matter the gender or orientation, and they mean the world to me.

exhaustion

2005-09-21T07:21:00.000-07:00

crashing at 2am. getting up to get ready to work about 6am. running solid all day. i used to be able to do this, but i think i've gotten old. it's not so easy to run on 4hrs of sleep a nite anymore. thus, i'm pretty exhausted. all the time. but i am having a good time. hours upon hours are spent in the company of good friends and people i care deeply about. that care is starting to grow deeper in some respects, but i have to watch out for it. i can't let myself get my heart involved this time. getting hurt has been so regular lately that i don't think i'm ok with it happening again. once agian, it comes down to the base fact that there is something i want really bad, but can't bring myself to have because i'm afraid of the consequences. on a different note, i have recently gotten something i don't want at all. there was a crazy girl that followed me around all summer starting with her orientation session. i managed to loose her when i went home for the summer and i hadn't seen her throughout the first couple weeks of school. but she's back. last week she appeared at spectrum. i knew i had a problem when she openly stated at coffee with the group after the meeting that she had stalked me all summer because i was "intriguing" to her. this last week, she has been everywhere i go. everytime i turn around, there she is, right behind me, beside me, somewhere in the vacinity. last night i ended up with her in my car by some odd fluke. the little things she does, like talk about homicide and brag that she really is crazy, really get to me. honestly, i am freaked out beyond anything i have been before. and now she plans to go to static this weekend. i don't know how well i would do with that. thank the goddess for the fact that virgil is my buddy... and that i have a protectress in the form of a lesbian that looks pretty butch. but i am still worried about it all. it's hard to focus when there is a creepy person following your every move.

locked out

2005-09-16T23:35:00.000-07:00

i remember now why i didn't like living in the halls. it's not the noise. it's not the constant exposure to other people and their problems. it's the silly things that go wrong at the most inopportune times. take right now for example. background: i share a bathroom with my buddy nick, the other ra on the floor. said bathroom has locking doors so as to protect privacy. well, one of the people that has been hanging out in his room has caused us a problem. we are both locked out of the bathroom. how this happened is beyond me. both doors... i just dunno how. we have tried every key in the building to no avail. we even called the on-call maintainence person. they have no idea where a key for this bathroom would be. and to make matters even more amusing, there isn't even a keyhole on my side, only on nick's. so lucky us, we're to using the resident bathrooms down the hall until someone magically comes up with a key. seeing as how it is very late fri nite (early sat morn) we could be in this situation for at least 3 days. wonderous.

update as of 8:22 pm....
we got it open! hurray for the combined lockpicking skills of 4 university employees!

can you hear my ear beeping?

2005-09-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

the words that come out of her mouth sometimes... i honestly never know what to expect. all i know is that this is turning out to be one hell of a friendship. i am very glad for the hand of cards i have been dealt. now i just have to learn how to play this game. but for now i'm just waiting and listening, who know's what's next.

chain of events

2005-09-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

lately things have been happening in this chain that i really don't know how to deal with. homework is overwhelming me, ra duties are piling up, and someone keeps distracting my attention. i'm not saying this last part is a bad thing, it's just rather inconvenient. even with all the mess, life is good though. coffee that turns into dinner and a movie... coffee/dinner as a group that turns into an entire evening of one on one... personal space slowly becoming flexible... all these things are a wonder to me. on top of it, i walk through campus and see a half a million people i know. everywhere there is a conversation. i've had to add a good 5-10 mins to my time alloted to get to class. but somehow, i have no problem with this.
there is only one thing i seem to really be having frustrations with right now. that would be age. always it seems that i am fighting a loosing battle against the stereotypes of age. too young, too old, too inbetween. i can't even count the number of times i have ended up arguing the topic. frankly, in my mind age is a number, simply that. it may color life experiences and cause you to have missed certain movies, but that's all. what matters in all this is maturity level, where you are in your life. age has nothing to do with all that. i am so tired of being told that there is once again something i can't do, someone i really shouldn't be around because of my age. or being told that someone feels they should react differently to me because i am younger. and then telling me i act older. it makes little sense to me, and for certain stirs a bit of anger. lucky me, it will be something i will get to continue living with.

spectrum

2005-09-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

life is good. it is a wonderful thing to find the people that you have been missing all summer long. it s even better to meet more that you know you will miss when they are away. the circle expands beautifully while some that had been removed for reasons of conflict are drawn back in and others happen to find a place there. rarely have there been so many fabulous choice encounters as there have been in the last couple days. it's a wide range of people and spectrum is only one of the places they have been found. a trip is planned for the weekend, all members included. i'll come home tired as all hell, possibly a bit hung over, and with another bit of metal... but i will more likely than not come home happy. we'll have to see. but until then, i'm just going to share the glow.

one week

2005-09-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

well, it has been one week of school thus far. it is going relatively well, other than the fact that i have already fallen to putting off homework untill the last minute. i need to remedy the situation pretty quickly or i may not make it through this semester. with classes that are all reading and writing based i gotta stay on top of things. i just seem to be too caught up in everything else. amazingly, a long-standing conflict has been resolved, or at least put in the past to be forgiven and forgotten. that alone is a beautiful thing. add to it that there is the possibility of a girl in my near future and you find one severely distracted and relatively happy jenn. yup, things are good. on that note, meetings of all sorts start up this week, causing a bit more insanity, but renewing older connections. now i just need a weekend in ftc... then all will be well. but for now off i go to that homework that is waiting. laters... ~ jenn

checking in

2005-08-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

it's been a bit again since i last posted... seems like this is going to end up being a trend. things are just too busy for daily posts anymore. anyways, the chaos of late has been related to freshmen moving into the halls. it's day two of move in, and we've got all but four of the students on our floor moved in. that means bout fifty have loaded all their stuff into their rooms so far. yeah, just a little crazy. but it seems to be going well. we've had no real problems yet, unless you count hawiian boys being upset that the hotties like upperclassmen only. honestly, i was thinking things would be a lot crazier than they have been. on another note, there was something i wanted to write about, but now it has escaped my brain. sad, and i'm out then.

play time

2005-08-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

been messing through other blogs... many of which i have been missing. here is the outcome. thus far at least.

twenty

2005-08-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

hmm. so this is what it feels like to be twenty. it's kinda odd, but at the same time no different than being nineteen. i have been amazed however at the beauty of the rest of the white hall staff. they have made this day fab from the very beginning. after getting off the phone with celia last nite at 2am, i finally crashed. much to my suprise when i woke up this morning i headed into the bathroom to find an explosion of happy birthday crepe paper and balloons accompanied by a card. it was an amazing gesture that means a lot to me. being this age is almost something i never expected to get to. there has been so much, especially lately, that made me wonder if i was gonna make it. but here i am finishing up my second decade. ready and waiting for my students to move into the hall. anxious to build the relationships i have. still looking for more. it's an amazing feeling to tell the truth. partly because the other nite i had a bit of a breakthrough. i realized some of my behaviors were destroying things i care about. and you know what? to the very best of my ability that will no longer happen. who knows how effective i will be long term, but for now things are falling back into place. there are so many people i miss right now, but at the same time there are those here that i still really deeply care about. so i guess for now the focus will change and i will hope for the best. but yeah, here starts a new year, of school, of my life, in my mind.

torn 2

2005-08-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

i never realized exactly how much all this was going to rip me apart. maybe i'm just too fucking sensitive. maybe i need to learn not to walk into emotional traps. but that's almost what this is feeling like. an emotional trap laid by people i really do care about. i think it comes down to a few things. first of all, if a bit of spice is what you want in the bedroom, maybe it's better to sleep with someone you don't know, someone you aren't close friends with. all that happens then is a nite of fun, no destruction. to bring in a close friend, someone that actually cares is too much. i'm telling from pure experience that the close friend isn't going to walk away unscathed. rather, i come away from everything having obviously missread only a sex drive for what i saw as a genuine intrest and care. granted, i'm not exactly a pro at this sort of situation, but i could have sworn there was something there, something real. or put by another as a "draw"... something she always described as from the center, honest and true. silly me, i thought that meant something more than lust. now i end up being the one left with no explination, other than the base, that friendships here are always emotionally intimate. you know what? the thing is, that's how my friendships are too, and this has not been the outcome. i know there is a general confusion. i know that no one wants to fuck up what is working now. but i just wish there could be an understanding that maybe this shit happened for a reason. i don't know it for sure, and i could never prove it, but i know there was something. even if it is being buried by defense mechanisms. even if i may never really know. i just wish i could get a read on where things stand. on if i was so terribly wrong. and if i wasn't, why i'm still sitting here in tears at a loss for any means to remedy the situation. frustrated at limits and boundaries. obviously these things that where placed in the way by another were necessary for some reason. now tell me why they were so hard to follow, so difficult to obey if nothing was ever there. tell me why the connection and pull is still there without a single drink, and even after other draws have been satisfied. explain this because frankly, i just don't understand it.

circles

2005-08-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to see the crazy circles of people that surround me. it is insane the way people i keep meeting or running into are so interconnected. while some circles are morphing and expanding, others are collapsing. the fragile nature of some relationships is starting to become more apperant as well. it hurts to watch people leave my life without a word... but i guess that's something that should be expected. as more people move into my life it seems logical that to maintain the balance that people would leave. but at the same time, i would like to think that the drastic subtraction i'm seeing wouldn't be needed. it's not that a lot of people are being removed, but rather the manner in which they are removing from my life. but once again, i seem to be stuck in a position i can't do anything about. i've tried to keep contact but it's not working. sigh... i hate this situation. even though i do love the new people in my life... i'm gonna miss the ones that are gonna be gone.

torn

2005-08-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

i seem to have walked myself into one hell of a situation. but at this point nothing can really be done to remedy it, so i guess the best thing to do is just roll with the decisions of the others involved. for those of you who've read here before, you know damn well that my heart has been trashed in the past. and while it has been once more, this time it's different. i'm not sure how to put it so that it's understandable, but it just is different. never before has anyone who was the catalyst for the pain been the one to relieve it. obviously, i've never been in this situation before, and honestly i'm not so sure how to cope with it. i guess at this point i'm lucky that ra training starts tomorrow and i will be hella busy with so much stuff that there won't be much time for thinking this over. but i know it will stew in my brain at nite...
on a nearly completely different note, i was really suprised with the other occurances of last nite. it had been a while since i went out drinking with my friends, and i missed it. it was most interesting because there were a couple people there that i had never really gone out with before. here is where i give a couple rounds of applause. one for both of these two leaving behind their shy shells and having a good time. the other for the wonderful girl who left behind some of our past and saw me for who i am now rather than who i was 10+ years ago. i know it was hard for these things to happen, and in case you two girls ever manage to read this post, congrats, you were both hella impressive each in your own way. luv ya both.
now for the recap... silly how i feel obligated to put it in... but oh well. all in all, the nite was a wash of good and bad along with a heavy dose of mixing emotions. while i doubt some of the actions and comments that occured, i hope that the negative can be overcome and the positive relived as frequently as possible. while i try to figure out exactly how i feel about it all, and then what to do about it, i'll let you all go. this has already been long enough. nite all xoxoxo ~ jenn

finally

2005-07-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

ah, the beauty of having one's machine back from the shop with all of it's components. finally, my beast is back in operation. man, did i ever miss the ability to just hop on and get all of my online work completed without having to worry about leaving links etc for my mother to find. *sigh* the beauty of it... anyways, as you know, i am recently back from a week at camp. turns out it only gets better as the years go by. 12 consecutive years have left a rather nice flavor. this year was better than i could have ever expected. i was actually presently suprised. there were all the elements that make a perfect experience. first, a slight element of suspense and intrigue. i still haven't lost the fun sense of confusion that comes from it, but oh well. second, a twinge of romance(esque) relations, if nothing else, the illusion to bystanders. third, the friendship that keeps growing with suprising strength. and finally, a sprinkling of music, craftiness, and a dip in the creek... anyways, for details drop me a line. but i can say this, it was absolutely fabulous. i even managed to run into the younger sis of a friend... the humor of it was how she decided to attach herself to me without even an inkling of the background with her other siblings. i couldn't help but laugh at the simple comments like "you know, my sister likes rainbows too..." anyways, i have loads to get caught up on. it is very evident that i have been away from a reliable computer for quite some time. so, off i go... happy thoughts to you all... ~ jenn

two weeks

2005-07-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

well guys, it's been a while. but at least this time it's not just cause i got busy or forgot or anything. i have really been wanting to post on here, but alas, i live in sheridan for the time being. yup, that's right, i'm moved back in with the rents. not the best move i've ever made, but it could be worse. lucky me, i just got my computer back from the toshiba depot (was getting fixed) today. unluckily, it came back without it's power cord. so, we'll be running this thing till it's out of juice. until that moment, i plan to get in some much needed line time. anyways, lets see, what else is new. well, on the not so new end of things, my last nite in town/out with the boys was absolutely fabulous. this girl was pretty trashed, thus i had a wonderful time at the club. even more so than usual. i got assigned guard against stalker duty for this one really hot little lesbian, as well as made a decision that might not have been my most shining moment, but was sure as hell a lot of fun. and i even ended up with a buddy for most of the drive home to sheridan. hurray for wonderful weekends. i got home and honestly crashed for a couple days. the sofa, being in the nice cool basement was (and still kinda is) one of my best friends. i slept off my nite of fun, as well as all that orientation stuff. it was nice. then kicked into full swing with garage sale shit. managed to pull quite a bit of cash, so all the hella hard work seems to have been worth it. anyways, at least now i can get to my bed. (explination: mom had piled all the garage sale shit in my room... could barely get in there, let alone move around) now my old bedroom is all wonderously clean and converted to the guest room it was meant to be. lucky me, i get to stay there for the next month or so. now for the family rundown... so, i'm the only child in the house. little bro is in jail in gillete (for what i dunno for sure) and littel sis is working camps. sidenote: she is working at handicap camps which i find amazing, seeing as how i don't really think i could ever do that and she's at two weeks now. also, her director is a lesbian (at least i'm pretty sure). anyways, i digress... back to the point. that leaves me here at home with mom all day everyday since dad's at work. sad. all we do is argue. i swear, if only i were straight... wait, she'd just find something else to yell at me about. but still, it would make life easier. however, dad is so cool with everything. i am just amazed at how understanding he is, esecially since he is also one of the most conservative republican people i know. funny how things work out. anyways, we went hiking into the mountatins to go fishing not too long ago, and i had a blast. i not only re-learned how to fish (it had been around 3 yrs) but i even managed to catch a few. on top of that, it was serious bonding time with the old man. i had one of the best days i have had in ages. but, he's back at work, and i am back to living with mom. more often than not i end up taking refuge in the basement, cause that's where dad lives. it's almost a good thing that my mom hates our three dogs, cause since they live in the basement with my dad, she kinda keeps to the upper floor of the house. it's a nice way to be able to escape. but on a completely different note, the escape will be a bit more permanent come this sunday. yes, it's time for girl scout camp. i do really love camp, and this year, i am once again the nurse, but i also get to work with a couple workshops. so, hopefully i won't get sick like last year and spend most the week in my sleeping bag. either way, i am really looking forward to it, seeing people i haven't seen in ages, being camp crafty, and just getting out of sheridan for a while.... ... well, i think that's about all i have for ya at the moment. sorry this has been all hella long, but what can i say, a lot is going on, even if i am ready to go back to a place with my kind of family, and a little fun on friday nites. yeah... all out for now. later days ~ jenn

confusion

2005-06-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

i don;t know how things got to this point. i am starting to be very dissapointed with a few people. for one, saying brb, loggin off, showing up hours later and not saying a thing (while ignoring ims) is bullshit. for two, backing out on plans when there is no way to make them up for months is a shitty thing to do. i am realizing that when "friends" get into a relationship that is all they focus on. fuck the people who have cared in the past. fuck the friendships and plans. thus, the dissapointment. i'm just tired of people and the way things are. eventually, i'm not going to be around anymore to take care of people. instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt, i'm just going to have to stop. how will things go then? good luck getting home drunk. good luck finding someone to spill emotions to for hours on end. sorry, i'm not going to be walked all over by you people anymore.

waiting

2005-06-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

alrighty, so orientation is officially done for now. i could/should have moved home today, but i am waiting until sat. the deal is, i'm staying here so i can go out with the boys one last time this friday. i know it's going to be worth it, but for now i am bored shitless just kinda hanging out until then. since i'm just kinda here, i am also starting to learn/realize a few things. now that i don't have work 24/7, i have the opportunity to talk to people i have been missing for a while now... or at least those who still want the friendship to exist. i have learned that a friendship that is cursed with long distances or complex jobs or just long periods of time can only work if both people are up for it. i'm realizing that some of these people are letting things slip away, and there really isn't anything i can do about it. i can call, email, im, but if nothing ever comes back, that's a sigh that it's not going to work out. it's sad but true, and i will miss these people, but when there is no communication, the friendship falls away too. but i guess that's the way it goes. oh well, not much else i can do at this point.

the dinner incident

2005-06-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

today has been a beautiful day. not only does the day mean that the last orientation session is coming to a close and relaxation is near, but the students are awesome. they are all so much fin to hang around with. i am just now getting back to my room after a good two hours spent just talking with them. the guys in this session rock. i also believe that i have found the coolest family of the summer in this session. a great guy from casper and a girl from some place i have forgotten where though. both of them are way cool, as are their straight counterparts here this session. but i have a funny story to tell as well. so, i'm standing in the pasta line at washakie for dinner. of course, with the girls basketball camp here, the lines were all kinds of hella long. not paying a lot of attention to much of anything, i'm just gazing off into space as i wait. much to my suprise, i feel someone purposefully grab my ass and give it a nice squeeze. hello. it was one of the basketball girls! seriously no more than 14 yrs old, this girl was one that gavin and i had noticed earlier. short hair, good build, give her five years to grade a hottie. anyways, it kinda gave me a bit of a shock. oh well though, it was rather funny and all. it would have been less funny though if gavin hadn't ended up at the same table with this girl and her friend and heard them talking about me... or if they hadn't sat in a spot where anytime i looked up from my dinner i had to look past this girl... or if her friend hadn't nearly fallen out of her chair turing to look too. it was just a classicly funny moment, and in all a great way to brighten my day. specially since my day has been kinda sore. i have an inch or so of sunburn on my shoulders, overlapped by the three inches of bruising. yeah, i rode my first rollercoasters yesterday at elitches. i had such a blast. rachell was my buddy, and we worked our way all the way up from the ferris wheel (which scared me) to the mind eraser (which after the others was ok). i had such a good time. and i was so excited, first time having funnel cake since i moved here to wyoming from kansas. it's only one of my faves. needless to say, i am in a pretty damn good mood. i think that unkymoods needs a mood called "peachy"... i would so be that right now...

timeline

2005-06-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

it's the middle of the nite. i still awake. i should be asleep. people are relying on me to be happy, energetic, on time tomorrow. i don't want to be. i've just spent the last hour on the phone in tears. and i'm still just as lost and hurt as before. turns out, i made someone else feel bad because i let it be known why i feel like fucking shit. i should never have let the line connect. all i did was make someone else feel the way i do, and i didn't even manage to get rid of my confusion. i can't do it again. if this whole mess with me is ever going to resolve i know i need to let it out. but everytime i do i end up making someone i care about feel shitty. it ends here. i'm not making the call. i'm not sending the email. just because my life is fucked up doesn't mean everyone else's has to be as well. i don't want to withdraw. i want to talk. i want things to get better. but you don't always get what you want. and in this case, i know that is going to be the truth whether i like it or not. to keep from hurting the other people in my life, the facade is going up. in time, someone will break it down. but for now, i don't have enough of my heart left to let this out. i've hurt too many people already...

fuck it

2005-06-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

why do i have to trust people? give them the benefit of the doubt? actually believe they will follow through with what they say? all i end up with is another nite alone. i am tired of having my heart broken. tired of being stood up, left behind for a novel prospect. tired of being walked all over. fuck it all. i'm done with this shit. from here on out, find your own ride instead of asking me and backing out at the last minute. from now on, don't toy with my fucking heart tossing around the word love. this shit isn't good, and sure as hell doesn't make a friendship, let alone a relationship. i can't bring myself to trust anyone anymore, i can't take anymore of this shit. hope all of you wonderful people are happy. i'm fucking done.

turning

2005-06-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

orientation is almost over for the summer and to tell the honest truth i am almost glad. i'm actually exhausted in every meaning of the word. i am really lookig forward to a bit of time without all of the responsibility and stress of this job. don't get me wrong, i love it with all my heart. i'm just tired. as i get to the point where i'm moving out of the halls once again, life turns yet another page. i'm going to be moving away from almost all of the gay community which is going to hurt, but may turn out to be a relatively good thing too. six weeks without worrying about the dating shit or constant contact with all the drama of both worlds will be ok. at least i think so. check back with me later on and we'll see how it goes. but i will be away, far away, without even the ability to get on gay.com. but oh well, what happens happens. until then, i will continue to be the person that takes care of drunken friends but never anything more i guess.

looking back

2005-06-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

so i just read over my posts for the last while. i didn't realize how wrapped up i had become until just now. in my foolish mind i thought that talking about it all might actually happen tonite, and all it got me was more confusion. on top of it, i missed out on a wonderful nite with the other ol staff. i'm done. from now on, things are mine, time is mine. i'm officially on the rebound and perfectly ok with it. one of the other girls on staff has this little saying. she always says about herself "i make bad decisions." i think i am ok with hitting that point. i think it's time to let loose a little and see what happens. if i fuck up then so be. i'm not living for other people anymore. from here on out i live my life for myself. it was better there for a while once certain people where out of my life, but it didn't seem to last. suddenly they popped back in, crashing the positive i'd built. maybe it's time to rebuild in a manner they can't break. i realize that there are people here who mean a lot to me. the rest of staff, my boys, my dad. no more putting them on hold just because of a girl. i've missed a lot lately and i'm tired of it. these people are my here and now, my lifeline, and i'm going back to them, stronger than before. that saying that everythign happens for a reason may sound terribly cliche, but at this point i'm starting to think it may be true. the end of one thing only produces a blank slate on which to build something even better. i think that thi has finally taught me that commitment is only going to get me fucked over, so it's time to move on. i don't need commitment, i can live without it. i have the love and support of my friends and family, what more could i really ever trully need?

aftermath

2005-06-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

a shattered heart
a tearstained face
nothing feels right anymore
things used to fit
used to feel like they belonged
what is a break?
how do you take a break from love?
i just don't understand

emotion destroyed
fear unveiled
there was something here
or at least i thought so
now it's replaced
why do i hurt?
why can't i just be angry?
it would be so much easier

mind confused
heart in tatters
the love is still burried there
but distance killed it
put it on eternal hold
how do i bounce back?
is it even possible anymore?

again

2005-06-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

once again it has been a bit since i posted. let's just say i've been busy. the whole orientation leader thing is going alright. actually, it's going rather well. i am really enjoying the experience, even if it is emotionally and physically exhausting. i keep meeting all these wonderful people and that is grand. the breaks on the weekends are full of wonderful new people as well as reunions with people i love and haven't seen in ages. static was great friday nite and i really enjoyed myself... even if i did get sexually accousted on the dance floor by a girl i had never met before in my life... oh well, life goes on. other than playing nanny to a drunken friend, the rest of the weekend has been mellow all the way through. i am missing my girlfriend though. i am starting to come to terms with the fact that i will not be able to go visit her this summer, even though it tears me apart. i will just have to wait for a while i guess. in time, all in time.

lurkers

2005-06-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

i know that there are quite a few people out there reading my blog... and many on a daily basis. i'm perfectly happy that you all find my life so interesting, but in all honesty, i would prefer to hear your thoughts about my life firsthand through your comments rather than secondhand through other people. just a note. thanx ~ jenn

btw... check out jessie's blog for yet another set of code...

exhaustion

2005-06-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

i am so tired... i never thought i could be so exhausted, but i am. it has been a long week. the first session of orientation is finally complete. it went really really well to tell the truth, a lot better than anyone really expected it to even. there were a few things that threw me though. i ended up bonding with this one girl named becca... but what got me was foundations. see foundations is this thing where the orientation leaders tell about their experiences in their first year of college. it's a real short time that we talk, so we have to simplify down to the one most important aspect of that first year. for me of course, that was the process of being out and finding a new community here at uw. to be able to talk about that, i ended up outing myself to a room full of 130 high school kids. it scared the holy livin' shit out of me to say the least. but i had the amazing support of the rest of the ol staff. i really love the staff. they are so supportive, and even though most of them have never really gotten to know an lgbt person, they are amazing with helping to show support for me and to just be there when the issue comes up. i love them all, and they are amazing people. but that's about all that has happened lately. a lot of stress and quite a bit of chain smoking and venting. but i feel so much better now about the whole orientation process. but i have more code to build, as blogs need to be beautified. laters all, luv ya ~ jenn

favor

2005-05-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

i need a favor from anyone who actually still reads this... go to this site and check it out... it's a test run of a template for scottie... let me know what you think guys. thanx a mil

anticipation

2005-05-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

it's saturday nite and i just seem to be waiting. i'm waiting for a call from my girlfriend, orientation to start, mail to actually get here, and orientation to be over so i can go to okc. i was told at the very beginning that this whole long distance thing was going to make my life really hard. i never realized exactly how much it would impact me. i love jessica and i love the fact that we are together and that she loves me back, i just really hate the distance. it comes down to the point that both of us end up in tears sometimes just because we can't be together. we haven't gotten to do the cute, fun, early relationship things. no first date, no first kiss... yeah, i know that a lot of you people are out there thinking how can you be in love? how can that be possible without the basics? the truth is, i never thought it would be possible either, but i thought wrong. through email, phone, im, and cam, we have connected in a way that other couples don't get until way later in the relationship timeline. personally i find it really nice that we have that start and can go into all the basics already in love. but with the distance it is going to take some time before we can do those basics. until then, the tears come once in a while. the good thing is they are a mix of joy and pain, love tempered by distance. even if you didn't really need this eplination of the things that are going on in my mind, you just got a glimpse. sorry guys, it just needed to be let out. ~ jenn

koolaid

2005-05-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

it's early... i don't want to be awake. i don't want to be headed to orientation leader training. i just want to be curled up in my bed preferably with my girl... however, the powers that be have determined that i shall be off to work instead. i'm reluctant to go, but at the same time, i look forward to the day ahead. working with the other staff people is an amazing experience. it's just the fact that our days are so long. but at least my laundry is done, and i'm looking forward to mail that's headed my way. in time, all in time. until then, it's back to the real(ish) world. laters...

quiz

2005-05-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

i got caught...

static... and t

2005-05-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

a simple letter, a nickname, a cause for realizations. i went to the club, for once i had the balls to ask a girl(t) to dance, i nearly kissed her, she went home with my phone number. i know what you're saying... "but you have a girl, and one that writes amazing comments too!" and i know. that's where the realization lies. last nite, i was given the chance to kiss a new girl, make out with her, and go home with her. while in the past this would have been a very happy occurance, last nite it tore me apart. the mere fact that i was dancing with her made me feel guilty. everytime she came up to kiss me, i had to turn away. i saw the face of the one i love rather than the one i stood with. the feelings of betrayal and guilt were just too much, but this is by no means something to be laid on my girlfriends head. we hadn't talked about what was considered ok with both of us, seeingas the distance is so great. the guilt came from within my heart, not hers. i came to realize last nite just how much i do love her, and that no matter how much i crave a touch or a kiss, i can and will wait. she is my world, and though distance kills any physical contact, our hearts are so close that none is needed.

chocolate moo

2005-05-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

i am happy. very amazingly happy. while shit gets weirder and weirder with my ex, beauty is working its way out of the molding. i have found exactly what i am looking for, a passion for life and a connection stronger than i thought could exist. it's different than earlier things. way different. there's a long distance involved but that means nothing to the feelings at all. while it makes things a lot harder, it isn't really a deterrent. that's the beauty of it. the connection is stronger than what distance can destroy. i'm questioning why i'm still here in wyoming, but for now it will have to be tolerated. a full ride just isn't something i can leave behind. until i figure something better out, words will have to do. and numbers... never thought that 143 could have such an impact on me. but i am happy, and so is she, and that's what truly matters in life. on the mundane end of life, ol training is going really well. our team has bonded so close that i am absolutely amazed. for having only known each other for a few days really, we are a lot closer friends than i thought possible. but then again, being together all day, and getting through the ropes/challenge course at csu has a lot to do with it. i managed to overcome at least a bit of my extreme fear of heights, even though i will never get back on that high ropes course again. and i got a sunburn, a really bad one. hurray for blisters. anyways, i am going to wrap this up, and go back to talking with that amazing girl... sorry guys, but she's a bit more important to me than writing for all you silent observers. ~ one happy jenn

pickles for dinner

2005-05-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

not me, celia... one of my best friends ever who just happens to be on speaker phone with me at the moment. she thinks blogging is rather silly, but oh well. even if no one ever reads it or at least never comments, i still find it really interesting. anyways, on a completely different note, i moved back into the dorms again for orientation leader training. it was a long day of moving, but i really love the people i'm living with right now. they are hella fun people. we fenangled our way into washakie for dinner, evne though we aren't sure if we are allowed, and made an interesting trip to the mecca of walmart. got home, ended up on the phone, and am now enjoying the wonders of university internet access. i got an email that made me so happy today... from this girl i really like, and come to find out the feeling is mutual! anyways, i am way happy and its wonderful. too bad there's over 800 miles between us... anyways, seeing as breakfast is at 7am, i should prolly crash. laters all, luv ya ~ jenn

easy come, easy go

2005-05-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

well, two weeks have passed since i really said much of anything on here. sorry bout that. since i'm in sheridan now, not a lot of internet access is to be had. anyways, a whole lot of things have been happening lately. i have to say that these last couple weeks have been really good. however, the way they ended wasn't so happy. the thing that gets to me is the way nothing is clear about it all. two happy weeks, a text message to end it all, a text message begging for forgiveness, and then a reunion with an ex? i'm honestly not sure how it all happened, and since she won't talk to me about it, i guess i never will. my best guess is that she wasn't ready for something real. that's ok with me, because it's hard to be with someone who doesn't know who they are. looks like i will go back to spending my time with people that have an identity of their own. anyways, i'm back to single and that's fine with me. i just wish i could be in oklahoma right now... especially through and after this saturday. jessica, hun, if i could i would. ~ jenn

happiness

2005-04-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

i haven't stopped smiling since friday nite. not at all. even when i blew a tire on my car. even when my art prof and ta destroyed me in class. it doesn't matter, i'm happy. a wonderful girl is causing this happiness, and doing a damn good job. i never thought this would happen. i thought she was out of my league. i had nearly given up. four days later, i'm still on cloud nine. it's a beautiful thing.

balls, ice & hours

2005-04-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

i never thought this could happen... wow. mike, i owe you one. big time. for those of you didn;t witness the insanity last nite, a rundown. lack of balls, phone number given out by a boy, ice down the back of a shirt, forced dancing causes close contact, contact kept and continued, hours on the phone. other than that, i am very happy that things have happened the way they have, even if i nearly killed certain boys last nite. things turned out for the best... in a very very good way. ftc, i will be back.

sliced bread threatens your existence

2005-04-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

or at least that's what my honors prof said during class not to long ago. the explination is that it takes away the need to bake bread in the home, thus removing the smell of baking bread from the home. since the smell of baking bread is a universal representation of hope and familial existance, the removal of this smell threatens to remove those two things from the world. this in turn threatens the existance of humankind... or at least that's the theory.
it was odd the timing of this revelation in my honors class. thanx to my human lifespan development class, and their focus on family past in combination with a distinct mellowing effect at my house in sheridan, lately something strange has been happening. for the first time in my recolection, i have been homesick. lately it feels like i'm missing a distinct part of who i am, and that piece lies with my family. i talk to my parents at least every other day anymore, and have this urgent need to write a letter to my grandma. i don't really understand where this has come from. i really just want to be in sheridan with my family and my hounds. that's the whole reason that i'm going home in between school and the orientation season. even though i could stay in laramie, i have chosen to go home, to be with my family. ever since my little brother got kicked out of the house and tossed into jail, things at home have become so much different. my family enviromnent is completely altered in the way it works. i can be at home for days on end, or on the phone with my mother, and not end up in a yelling fit. my dad confides in me with all the things he can't tell m mom or my sister. now that he has his own cell phone, i can call my dad, and talk to him for tons of time, an hour or more even. at this point, all i know is it's time to kick back to my roots a bit. i don't see why a letter to my grandparents could ever be a bad thing, and i'm glad my family is finally a place where i can be safe. it's a wonderful thought, even if it comes with the pain of homesickness. luv ya all ~ jenn

color

2005-04-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

today is a fabulous day. this week has been a fabulous week. the weather is beautiful, classes are mellow, and i have 314 different colors of paper. coloraid... $40 well spent. color theory is overwhelming, but in a good way. i've never seen such a variety of colors, all together in one little box. it's fabulous. add this new wonder to honors class held outside, and a glimpse of the amazing children's book displayed in the asuw gallery, and you get one hell of a good day. add this to the incredibles, a real piece of the egyptian book of the dead, the stepford wives, crocheted potholders, and more beautiful weather, and it's a wonderful week. the extreme happiness is tempered by a spectrum meeting i couldn't attend and a really close friend moving away. but i'm still left with a wonderfully sunny, mellow mood. life is good, and balance is here.

saturdays

2005-04-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

man has this last while been crazy. last weekend, my dad came to visit, which was way nice. we just puttered around the campus, stopped in and picked him up some rope real quick... didn't do a whole lot. but i did get to see alyssa again. it's been a long time since we've seen each other, and it was way nice. then today started at 7am sharp with discovery days... loads of highschool kids. it's officially the beginning of my orientation leader training. mix&mingle, games, ice breakers... the like. 6hrs, a t-shirt, and one shiny metal nametag later, i'm done. well, only to start regular work for the next 7hrs... i think i need a nap. but i met a girl that's student teaching in sheridan, and talked cars over lunch with these crazies from denver. fun times, let me tell ya. but, i still have piles of homeowork, so i'm out. laters all.

drama

2005-04-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

if you haven't noticed there has been a bit of drama as of late on this blog of mine. it's finally to the point where i laugh so hard i cry and cry so hard i laugh. moving on is the beauty of it all. it makes me laugh that people continue to return and continue to get so riled up over things. i have to laugh. in the end, it comes down to a few simple facts.
1) i'm done. this post is my last acknowledgement of the drama.
2) i've stayed out of their lives, i hope they would have the balls to do the same
3) i am proud of my ra spot, and all the people that chose me can't be wrong
~(some of them know me better than said people)
4) i am happy where i am. the pain they cause is a mute point.
5) there are better people out there, and i've found them. people who make me smile and laugh. friends that are real.
well that's it from my end. if the drama continues, it will be without my input. enjoy the show. (and if you missed the earlier editions, take a look a few posts back. it's rather amusing) luv ya all ~ jenn

randomness

2005-04-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

since no one is going to see that last post and care, i have closen to move it down on the page by a slightly more interesting waste of time that i found on this blog during my adventures with the "next blog" button.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: book? there isn't one... oh wait... "when at half past nine he arrived at the house where he..." (kafka the trial)
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch? nothing at all
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? mtv videos... ciara 1,2 step
4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is. 8:30ish
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 9
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? silly people outside my lab being odd.
7. When were you last outside? What were you doing? 2:50ish, changing labs
8. What are you wearing? carharts, tee, button-up, uw hat backwards
9. Did you dream last night? What was it about? i know i did, but thanx to being woken up by the phone, all i know is that i did.
10. When did you last laugh? i'm not sure. it's been a while.
11. What is on the walls of the room you are in? wonderful signs that say no food or drinks allowed in this area. damn. i'm hungry
12. Seen anything weird lately? my roommate. enough said.
13. What is the last film you saw? home: harry potter #2 theatre: robots
14. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? an upgrade from berta
15. Tell me something about yourself that I don’t know: i don't think so.
16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? no more poverty, instead happiness
17. Do you like to dance? what a silly question! of course!
18. George Bush? stupid fucker....
19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? alexandria renee
20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? gavin micheal
21. Would you ever consider living abroad? of course! london here i come.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
edit posted 10:22pm
my adventures with the "next blog" button have caused me problems as well. to my suprise, i stumbled across another blog belonging to someone i know, and used to be close to. within the most recent post, an assumption was made about me and the conclusion was far from the truth. thus, i commented anonymously that assumptions were dangerous and did not always yeild the truth. this apperantly caused said person to get rather upset. sadly, this person chose to bring another into the mix, further complicating matters. needless to say, this new person has not found a way to leave certain things in the past, and is the author of the rather nasty comment on my previous post. this does hurt me, but that was what effect that person was going for. well, congratz to them. they succeeded in tarnishing an accomplishment i am very proud of. at the same time, this occurance makes me wonder. for someone who is always saying "bye" or claiming they have moved on, why must they come back time and again to taunt and ridicule me? i'm trying to move on with my life. the least this person could do is leave me be. i honestly doubt that will happen, but i guess it's a burden on them more than me. i've withstood enough pain from them, what difference will more make?

oh yeah

2005-04-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

i got it! i got it! i got it!

yes, that's right, you are looking at one of white hall's new resident assistants for next year! very happy, and very excited about this... wohoo!

as things mellow

2005-03-31T02:52:00.000-07:00

one again stuff had gotten a bit chaotic, but all is well now. fri nite was rather interesting. i got to meet the rest of scottie's family... and well, apperantly grandma thinks we're dating. at least that meant that it was easier to steal him away for a nite out to static. it was such a good time. it's been quite a while since a trip down there has been so worthwhile, but it most definately was a great time and well worth the drive. anyways, after crashing in cheyenne, drove back over, got some hair dyed, and drove back over. had an odd evening, crashed there again, and drove back. let me tell ya, it was a blast. poor berta... on a more scholastic note, i've recently sat down and planned out my class schedule for the rest of my college career. bad news is, i won't be graduating until spring 2010. good news is, i will be graduating with a degree from a&s in wmst and a degree from ed in art ed. hmm... odd the way it works out that my full ride will cover one degree, and i will be picking up the other. and on a completely different note, i still haven't heard about the ra spot, but i should know by the end of the week, and sooner possibly even if i could actually quit playing phone tag with my insider source... anyways, it is once agian nearing 3am, and my shift is completed, and this is the fate of this post as well. good nite, good morning, i'm out.

a fresh start

2005-03-24T02:03:00.000-07:00

how's the new layout look? hope you all like it. anyways, i figured it was time to go through and freshen up a few things, and my blog happened to be one of them. it finally fits a bit better with my personality. on a differnent note, it's been a while hasn't it? well, there have been a lot of long overdue endings and fresh beginings in my life as of late, and my time has been rather occupied. i know it's a lousy excuse, but it's the best i have to offer for the moment. right now, i'm just excited about the weekend to come, dreading the homework i have piled around me, and watching my life twist and evolve. it's been a long time coming, but things are slowly starting to settle into place. anyways, i just thought i'd drop a quick note to accompany the overhaul, let me know what you think! laters ~ jenn

oh man

2005-03-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

sorry it's been a while... that is to the very few who read this (and yet never comment) anyways, i've been sick as hell for a while now... haven't made it to class... or work really. i've been moving only for the really important shit. but yeah. as an update, things are going ok in my world, i got a call back for the ra interviews (although i might have already said that) and i decided that it's not worth my time/energy to worry about a relationship... my boys' drama is enough to deal with. btw, i hooked tow more of them up.. hurray for happy boys. well, i'm out. maybe a bit more laters.

color theory. and other theories

2005-03-03T00:43:00.000-07:00

things have been crazy here as of late. all around me, people are going insane with work, with school, with relationships. and somehow, it's no different in my world. damn. anyways, been burning the midnight oil for color theory a lot lately. actually, last nite was an all niter. and i am currently at work (it's 1am) working until 3am. i'm rather tired to tell the truth. i'm also fighting some sort of cold/flu shit, and a bout of spring laziness. i really need to get on top of things. i have a theory about this time of year. while spring would logically give people a boost of energy and spunk, i am finding that it just slows everyone down. no, i don't want to go to class. no, work is not where i want to be. it's still too cold outside. i want to stay on my sofa. while this is for sure the case with me, i am noticing it in piles of my friends. spring-time laziness. too bad it couldn't come at a time of year when there isn't so much to do. hopefully this weekend will give a bit of a break. however, i seriously doubt that considering i'm expected in ftc on fri nite, and casper on sat nite. looks like a lot of time will be spent in berta this weekend at least. there is likely to be at least a bit of girl drama in both towns, so hopefully all that will work out ok. and a bit of gay boy drama too. whoa. i think i need a break.... so glad spring break is coming soon... and the end of one of my studio classes, which will considerably lighten my work-load. hurray. well, for now i have a pile of human lifespan development and frederick douglas to read, so i'd best get at it. laters.

damn it all

2005-02-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

when it rains, it fucking pours. i am far from being a happy camper anymore. i have been trying to get caught up on sleep and still go to work this weekend, and due to the fact that i've had my phone off (so i can actually sleep) someone is mad at me. add this to the drama from fri nite, and my brain is gonna explode. looks like tonite may be another long phone call and a good cry then taking out all the extra energy on yet another color theory assignment. damn it all to fucking hell.

oh me oh my

2005-02-24T01:46:00.000-07:00

it's been a bit since i posted, and a lot has happened. a really big lot (especially with the weekend added in). last week went alright, except that i came down with a pretty severe sinus infection. it is continuing to knock me out of class and activities as of late, but i'm medicated, and hoping ot be better soon. i missed an exam that i had to make up on a day when i still felt like crap, and my inability to study showed. i have officially failed my first exam ever. but don't worry, the way the class is arranged, i still have a high b. i guess this will have me approaching studying for the next one a bit differently. i did a couple art projects over the last week and a half, one of which i really really like. i think it's gonna live over my sofa once i get it back. on a non-school related note, the weekend was really nice. it ended up being just me and mike at static, but i saw a lot of people i knew, and had a lot of fun. there was a bit of drama, and a really interesting encounter(ish thing), and i'm really looking forward to this weekend's adventures. also, i go the job i wanted for the summer. yes, i will be influencing the views of incoming students as an

orientation leader!

i'm way excited about it to tell the truth. well, i guess that's about it, or about it for what i feel like telling you all (who never comment!!!) so i'm out.

~btw, i just wanted to say how happy it makes me to see two of my good friends so happy together... i hope you stay this way for a long time boys... ~ luv ya all ~ jenn

a bit more mellow

2005-02-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

things have calmed down a bit since the last post. i think i've gotten the issues worked out with most everyone. one person however is still unhappy. i apoligized to him about fri nite and all, but i don't think he was listnening to me. one thing is for sure, he never responded, and i left the conversation feeling like there was no resolution. what happened shouldn't ruin a friendship, and we both played a part in causing the drama. i just don't know how that will work out. for now i guess i will play it by ear and hope for the best.

not again

2005-02-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

i was going to post. and i need to reply to some things that were said, but i'm done with this. i can't do this anymore. things i thought i had left behind me are coming back. and i'm currently weighing the pros and cons of certain actions, but it's looking like i'm leaving this. for good.

on a completely different note, one of my boys (one fab boy who i love dearly) has started a blog of his own. check it out here

so sleepy...

2005-02-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

so, i am at work, and barely managing to stay awake. i dunno how i'm gonna do this. last nite was fab, but exhausting. the regular dancing the nite away, but with a few different people than usual. i am terribly dissapointed in the fact that people who said they were going ditched out at the last minute. and the fact that i wasn't informed of this in advance even more so. see, if i woulda known that it would end up being only me and two guys, we woulda left a whole lot earlier. but i guess there's nothing i can do about that. anyways, breakfast was bout the same as usual, and then i ended up in cheyenne overnite. ask the boys about that. being the odd person out is no fun. but i guess it happens. anyways, i've decided i'm not terribly fond of being woken up at such an early hour to drive back to laramie. but i did get my apartment cleaned up and i made it to work on time. but i think i may have to take a nap at some point today, or i'm gonna die. but off to casper i shall go (via cheyenne) as soon as i get off work. and another nite of insanity shall ensue. hurray for it all.

concentration

2005-02-10T01:55:00.000-07:00

so yeah, it's 2am, and i am all befuddled. i have done the paper that's due tomorrow, and i've studied for the exam i have as well. but i still have a paper to write and an exam to study for by friday. while i have to time to do both of these things right now, and i really won't tomorrow, i can't for the life of me concentrate. my mind is rather fogged lately with issues of friendships. like i said previously, i am cleaning out the mess, or at least trying. however, i am running into obstacles. there is one person i thought i could get over and move on about. however, that person now seems to be making a genuine effort to make things work between us. i'm not sure how to go about this whole thing now. i want to give this persona nother chance, but so many times in the past, i have provided that chance and all it was used for was walking all over my heart. i'm seriously torn, because i don't want to cut off this relationship, and i want to give this person another chance. but on the other hand, the track record says i should just let it go and get over it. i'm not sure how this all is going to work out. it's a tough call, and i'm still not sure how to do this, because i can't handle being hurt by this person again. upcoming events in my life will show things in a clearer light hopefully, and we'll see. right now i haven't the slightest idea what i am going to do, but hopefully it will come in time.

i'm back

2005-02-08T01:53:00.000-07:00

for the first time in a long time, two posts on two days in a row. ha. and i know that people out there are reading my blog once in a while at least. start commenting. anyways, i did get my art projects done, and they were well received. mind you 8am class came very quickly following a painting marathon until 4:30am. i also had a pretty important idea implanted in my head last nite, by a rather important gay boy in my life. "who the fuck cares." he brought to my attention the fact that i care about what other people think a bit more than i like to admit. and certain people i care way to much about what they think. and it is destroying me. after a slight breakdown, and a long time on the phone, i came to the point where i realize i no longer want this shit in my life. to so i am slowly starting to sever the ties to relationships that only cause me problems. slowly, i am stepping back and keeping those friends that are actually true friends. those who don't worry about the little things and can accept me no matter, especially those who understand that my age means nothing to who i am, and those who are there for me no matter which "crowd" i happen to fit. i'm realizing that some people i thought i was close to do nothing but bring me pain, and i'm done with that. i'm keeping the people that matter most to me. the rest will become more of acquaintances, and some will will be removed from my daily life completely. i know this sounds terrible, and like a spring cleaning of a file cabinet. but time has warranted this cleaning. i need to re-evaluate things. i am tired of dealing with extra shit. i am done being hurt. life is good from here on out, and i'm going to make sure to share it with those i care about, and those who care in return. the rest are just spectators.

last time i checked i worked for IT, not a strip club...

2005-02-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

this weekend was... oh my. it was. friday was crazy with class and all, then of course a tip to static. i could no longer stay away. went with steven and mike, and found jake and josh (i think). saw a pile of people we knew, danced like crazed maniacs, etc. had to skip breakfast because of deadlines and a slightly emotional breakdown in the back seat. not a problem, steven drove. woke up much to early to head my ass to casper for my little sis's gymnastics meet. she cracked her ribs, cracked her sternum, and bruised her chest wall, now breathing deeply is necessary to keep the lower half of her lungs from collapsing. fabulous. but at least she feels fine, and plans to be back at practice mid this week. (crazy girlie...) scared the shit out of my mom with the hair, as well as my sis. no prob, they got over it... kinda. dad's apparently sick, and ron (little bro) gets kicked out right before his next court hearing. insane. once mom left with sis to head home through the snow, i headed off with the boys. quality mall time, pizza, and general laziness. 12:30 rolls around, cute little les is at the door, we're going out. logan and i end up at the strip club with amber. and end up hired too... there are ways to get around that whole 21+ thing. anyways, while sleazy, the strip club wasn't too bad, except for the fact that only two of the girls could dance, and none of them were close to what i like. oh well, it was rather amusing when the sheriff showed up. we luckily made it home without incident, and logan and i crashed. his bed was so warm... slept like a log. but, the alarm went off this morn, and the day of work, driving etc started anew. that's where i am. waiting to be done with work so i can actually do the 5 hrs of homework i have. too bad i get off at 11....

that sinking feeling

2005-02-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

i haven't felt like this in a long time. i have a deeply rooted heavy feeling in my heart. i didn't realize i felt so strongly, but i guess i do. you would think what i read would mean that i would be happy, that what i had hoped for all this time would be more possible. that's not the way it is. i feel the pain i read as though it happened to me too. it didn't give me hope, it merely made me realize that i never had a chance in the first place. frankly, that hurts, explaining the heavy dread i carry with me now. i guess it happens though. but it made me realize exactly what i wanted, and never went for. i guess it wasn't meant to be. it hurts, but i have a feeling it's true.

exhausted

2005-02-01T01:44:00.000-07:00

man oh man. i think 37 pages of budget proposal is a bit much. don't you? well, that's what the grand total came up to for the wan budget. i am just now finishing it. yes, i have been working on it since i came to work at 11pm. yes, it is now almost 2am. thank the goddess christin (luv ya hun) and i did a lot of it earlier tonite... hope we actually get part of the money we are requesting. but yeah, i'm rather tired. however, i still have quite a load of homework to bust out, so i am going to get on top of that. just thought this might be a nice way to take my little break since email is not working for me. anyways though, i must run. adios...

quizzes

2005-01-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

so yeah, i can't focus, so i decided to take a bunch of quizes... here are some of the results. now it's your turn...

Take the quiz: "What kind of drink are u? (pics)"

Vodka
Man u are the person who likes to party lets hang out sometime man!! Man u are kool!!

Take the quiz: "Which Spice Girl Are You?"

Scary Spice (Mel B)
Youre most like scary spice. youre outgoing, wild, and some people find you intimidating. you like to party hard and no one can tell you wat to do. you live life by your rules and no one elses!

Take the quiz: "What sex dessert are you? *PICS*"

whip cream
you like it all over...doesnt matter where it is...you love partying and being wild...do you like whips and chains too? YOU WHORE!

Take the quiz: "What Is Your Kink?"

Domination
You are most comfortable when in control. Having someone at your beck and call makes you hot. You can be very demanding, and expect perfection! In the bedroom, you take charge. Your motto is It's My way or the highway!

Take the quiz: "What purse is perfect for you?"

dior rasta bag
You are a fun, funky, interesting person that everyone likes.

Take the quiz: "Which Zodiac Sign Would You Be Most Compatible With?"

Cancer
It looks like a Cancer may be the one for you!

damned school shit

2005-01-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

well, school has taken over my life. or rather, art classes have. all i do is work for my studios. curses. anyways, this week has been hell. i've been sick (like everyone else in the world) and not had a lot of energy. i've missed a few classes, and managed to not be able to give plasma. but i am coming out of it. lucky for me, considering after i get of work tonite (11pm) i get to do a painting!!! it took steven 4-5 hours, and that worries me, cause i can't paint. oh well, all nighter here i come. hopefully mtv and vh1 will have interesting programming... on a completely different note, this weekend was one of the first in a while that i haven't spent out with the boys. it's rather sad, and to be frank, i missed it. i guess there's a lot more gay boy in me than i had previously realized (see recent purchase of a certain piece of hair styling equipment). but next weekend at least i will be in casper. little sis is doing a gymnastics meet, and logan wants to take me to a strip club. interesting... so i shall be staying the night there. but that's a week off still, and there are loads of things to be done between now and then. wan budget is due, job apps and references need completed, spectrum will occur, paintings are due, sculptures are due, reading is necessary, and timelines must be created. holy shit. well, i'd best be getting on top of all that. laters all...

hpnotiq

2005-01-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

had a lot of that this weekend... wish i woulda had time to catch up on sleep. saw loads of old friends and picked up a couple new random people. fun the way that works. was blown off my feet by one cutie, had things work out at least moderately well, time will tell with that one. got blown off by another person,(am torqued) still wondering when that will properly resolve. finally networked with some other lesbians, now my circle of family is less gay boi dominated. danced so much... had a blast. even enjoyed a random and slightly unnecessary drive to and back from fort collins on a beautiful day. i like beautiful days. dealt with having a roommate as well as friends in the apartment at the same time. lucky for us all, she hid in her room the entire time, thus giving us all a chance to make a happy pile on my already sunken sofa. but it was good. i am tired, but excited to see how things work out nonetheless. mostly tired. and having homework to do, i leave you and this jumble of words behind.

apologies

2005-01-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

there's something uncertain about an apology. it's hard to tell if what is said is what is meant. but for the time being, i give the benefit of the doubt. at the same time, i apologize to those i made upset by my last post. it was not meant in the way it was taken, and to those people, i have one thing to say. that's been building for a while. it's not a sudden thing, nor is it completely unfounded. i think things have settled for now, but i feel as though there hasn't actually been any closure. i feel like things are hanging, akin to downed electrical wires, needing repair but dangerous to touch. but i guess i will continue as i always have, letting out my thoughts and feelings in the one way i can really do so and still feel safe about it all. so, with that, i ask that you take what i say and have said with that in mind.

woah

2005-01-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

it was a long weekend.

~~clouds~~ driving through clouds can be interesting, frightening too. but it was worth it to fetch mike from cheyenne. one can never have too many gay bois.
~~damn it's cold~~ waiting outside static for a half hour in the snow is not fun. worth it, but not fun. waiting in the doorway for a while longer is interesting, but not quite as cold.
~~sandwiched~~ once again i danced with primarily gay bois. odd how that happens. not a terribly bad experience though, they are fun to dance with.
~~feeling outnumbered~~ 12:1 gay bois:me yeah. not so much. poor dennys wait staff.
~~shopping~~ spending a whole day in the mall gathering things you have been waiting to be able to get is a nice feeling. doing it with a close friend, even better.
~~please let me be~~ being interrogated about religion in the middle of a restaurant is no fun. specially when one's attention is focused elsewhere.
~~hottie~~ damn you logan...
~~home is where the heart is~~ home is in laramie now, and sheridan's just a side trip.
~~high school~~ i remembered why i was glad to leave, but at the same time, why i miss the people i left there.
~~blake~~ for a straight boy, he's one hell of a kid. the look of absolute shock when he realized who i was, being asked if i could be given a hug, yeah, i miss him...
~~sanfords~~ just one last pit stop before the drive home. another chunk of time spent with people i care about, people who are worth the time.

well, that's about it for the weekend. one more though, that only rob and logan will trully understand...
~~small in stature, big in ho-ness~~ yes, once again someone was two-faced toward me, and those i care about. once again, someone treated me like a second hand citizen. but once again, i'm not gonna care. i have bigger things than that to deal with, and other genuine people to occupy my time. end of story.

ten full days

2005-01-11T01:58:00.000-07:00

that's how long it's been since i last posted. rather shocking it is. (to me at least.) somehow though, i just haven't had the time or energy. after new years, i spent a week sleeping and working and sleeping some more. i'm starting to think that wasn't the best idea, because now my system is begging for a lot more sleep than i can afford to give it. oh well. classes have started again, and i'm not terribly excited about that. certain things about the situation are very good. for instance, there are a lot of people i have missed terribly over break that i am now getting to see. also, there have been a few changes in the way i interact with some people, and only for the better. however, there's the negative side as well. homework. yes, i got piles on the first day of class. curses having to retake honors freshmen semester 2 again... oh, and there's always the wonder of dropping $200 in art supplies for one class. lucky me. but while it is only 1 am, and i have 2 hours left on this shift, the homework i have been putting off is extremely likely to occupy that entire time period. so, off i go. hopefully to stay away through some milton. best wishes (and by that i mean i hope you all find ample sleep) ~ jenn

just a little naughty...

2005-01-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

it was a wonderful nite. and then some. went out, the ball dropped, danced, met this girl, wasn't exactly... um... "proper"... boys did their things, got their own little couples made up. yeah, it was a good nite. we all went to breakfast, drove home, crashed at 6am, woke up, went to breakfast/lunch/dinner (about 4pm) with everyone, messed around in walmart, saw all the casper people off. i'm still in a bit of a daze, but it's in a good way. now i just need a little more courage. but for now, all is good. hope everyone else had a happy new year as well. luv ya all ~ jenn

it's been a bit

2004-12-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

haven't posted in a while (well, longer than usual). went home and all that, and since i've gotten back, my lab has been closing rather quickly. curses on not having the building unlocked. anyways, the trip home went better than anticipated, not very good mind you, but less bad than i was expecting. made out like a bandit in the present department, so that's nice. anyways, spent a load of time in casper on my way back home, had a few issues with "friends" (aka people i thought were my friends), but it happens. not sure how it'll all work out, but i remind myself, i'm not suposed to care. ha... how easy that sounds. it proves to be rather difficult. oh well, their loss. but, i must be off... lab closing once more.

anxious

2004-12-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

yeah, i'm a smidge on the anxious side right now. after the drudge of a few more hours of work, i have a doctor's appointment, and then i get to drive home. i'm not so sure it can really be called home anymore. i'm never there, and if on the off chance i end up there, i leave as fast as i can. hell, if it wasn't for my dad, i know i wouldn't be going back. but i do miss him. and my hounds too. so off i go, into my mother's land of terror. tre made me realize last nite that i have a tat they've never seen. it's more than likely going to cause some issues. and big ones at that. i may have to find a place to run away to in sheridan. but away i go nonetheless. at least the trip will start and end with time in casper, visiting a friend, and unwinding. luv ya rob! well, i figure this will be my last post before christmas, seeing as how the computer in sheridan is an ancient piece of crap, so to all of those i won't see for a while, happy christmas and gods bless. ~ jenn